Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
←Rate | 12-02-2018 12:24 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?
←Rate | 04-15-2019 11:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.
←Rate | 08-07-2019 21:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
←Rate | 08-10-2020 08:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can we drive the snakes out of Washington for this St. Patrick's Day?
←Rate | 03-16-2021 08:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.
←Rate | 03-04-2020 08:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I went to my doctor and asked him who his doctor was, then I switched doctors .
←Rate | 06-09-2020 04:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"
←Rate | 10-19-2017 10:17 by Trueman Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I look at you, I can hear music.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 04:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car
←Rate | 12-08-2017 20:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 04:10 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap.
←Rate | 03-04-2018 09:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.
←Rate | 05-03-2018 06:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!
←Rate | 11-06-2018 04:46 by Truman Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at
←Rate | 04-17-2018 04:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon * 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 15:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?
←Rate | 06-18-2018 11:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
←Rate | 07-16-2018 17:16 by BobbyT Comments (0)  


   messageicon A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
←Rate | 07-18-2018 07:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We'll both regret it soon enough.
←Rate | 08-13-2018 13:20 by Reuben Comments (0)  




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