Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.

   Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.

   I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!

   It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.

   Who else has this problem? "I want to start eating my meal, but I can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat"

   Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.

   Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.

   If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.

   I went to my doctor and asked him who his doctor was, then I switched doctors .

   I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"

   When I look at you, I can hear music.

   More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car

   On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.

   I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap.

   I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

   I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual

   Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?

   House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds

   My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation

   Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.