Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most expensive special election in Georgia history is over. The Republicans are laughing their Ossoff.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won't need to adjust her driving.

   Stress makes you very tired, but it`s stressful to avoid stress, so you end up stressed out anyway,

   Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.

   Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"

   Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.

   Baby it's Covid outside.

   The least knobby dot, the least knobby dot, the least knobby dot for annual quantum police thee dot… or whatever that Spanish Christmas song is saying.

   A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.

   I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together

   Live such that when the mortician prepares you for your funeral, he must struggle to get that grin off your face.

   I wonder if there's a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.

   Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.

   Politician: one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

   My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

   Can we drive the snakes out of Washington for this St. Patrick's Day?

   Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

   Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?