Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill, with a thank you note.

   Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy

   Planning a trip to Australia..I was asked if I had a criminal record?..I didn't know you still needed one?

   I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.

   I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew it’s descendant would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.

   Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

   I'm shocked Barry Manilow announced he's gay. I thought he was dead.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   Exercising is basically hurting yourself until you build up an immunity to hurting yourself.

   Maybe fewer big booty ho's at next years Grammy's??

   The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.

   To those who truly believes that the burger police will come for you on the forth of july, please don't procreate.

   Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.