Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.

   Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet

   Elon Musk should be awarded the Gold Medal of Freedom.

   Love may be blind, but It doesn't have to be stupid.

   Big misunderstanding: I wish someone had told me ahead of time that I wasn’t required to disrobe at a “Gender Reveal Party”.

   30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.

   My children want a cat for Christmas ... Normally I do a turkey but hey, if it can make them happy!

   An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Xmas card with glitter on it.

   Having a non stick pan with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth

   If my dog has taught me anything it's if you're tired just lie down anywhere

   Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard. Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.

   Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..

   Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke.

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   Crayons are a lot like M & M's, all the colors taste the same.

   I've heard a lot about Karen lately but what about Felicia. Did she finally leave?

   I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

   Pro Tip: Adopt a retired drug dog to help find fun friends at parties.

   Remember, after the police have been defunded and you have to shoot intruders, call 811 before you dig. It's the law.

   Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.