Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home.

   You ever get a friend request and be like, “Nah, you look like you steal copper”

   100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

   Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

   i’m at the age where I have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

   Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

   Values of the woke: Victimizing yourself is powerful, bravery is dangerous, self-responsibility is someone else’s responsibility, reality isn’t real.

   There should be a reality TV show where anti-capitalist millennials are questioned about what kind of government they want and then sent to a country that closely resembles their version as closely as possible and forced to live there for a few months.

   the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

   I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor.

   When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad?

   When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

   I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

   Half my Facebook friends have just become immigration lawyers within the past week!

   Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.

   Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.

   Better vote right on all the left stuff and left on all the right stuff every ten minutes. I’m extremely immature.

   The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

   From the size of the crowd I would say wrong again .