kittykat Funny Status Messages

   My boss didn't know I drank, until one day I came to work sober.

   A fat chick served me at McDonalds earlier. She said, "Sorry about the wait". I said, "Don't worry darl, you'll lose it eventually".

   loves a man in uniform, unless he's in my rearview mirror.

   Yoko Ono will once again oppose the parole of Mark David Chapman - the man who shot and killed John Lennon 30 years ago. Perhaps she ought to rethink that - I hear Chapman has a Jonas Brothers obsession now.

   SKY news announced that Tampax have signed on to sponsor Tiger Woods. A spokesman for Tampax said, "To sponsor a c*nt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about".

   sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant

   was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door. I banged on the wall and shouted, "For f***s sake, keep it down!".

   Police discovered the body of a local cartoonist this morning. Details are a bit sketchy.

   sending more mixed signals than a dyslexic, third-base coach.

   discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

   just got barred from Bunnings. This arrogant prick in a red apron in the timber aisle just asked me if I wanted decking. Lucky I got the first punch in!

   discovered last weekend that if you play a Nickelback album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Nickelback.

   thinks that 99% of the people in this world are complete morons. It's a good job I'm in the other 2%.

   not a doctor, but I play one in the emergency room until security shows up.

   wondering if Jewish doctors get paid for doing circumcisions, or just get to keep the tips.

   My boyfriend told me that he was seeing someone else because he was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.

   fired her masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

   once read a book about anti-gravity. I just couldn't put it down.

   just had a bunch of underwear stolen. Cops are making a brief inquiry.

   hates it when old relatives come up to you at weddings and say, "You'll be next, dear". I'm sure they wouldn't be too impressed if I started saying that to them at funerals.