JOser Funny Status Messages

   I do not have attention deficit disorder. I have what you're saying is boring the sh*t out of me disorder.

   Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.

   I got a letter from the college I graduated from... I hope it's a refund check for my murdered dreams.

   I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.

   Yes acupuncture is an "ancient technique." Other "ancient techniques" included leeches and dying from plague. I'm good with drugs thanks.

   It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

   I just saw a man disconnect his oxygen tank before he lit his cigarette. Safety first.

   The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.

   Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius!

   Yes, I realize I'm leaving early. But don't forget, I also came in late.

   TIP: If you've forgotten your Bluetooth headset, wearing sunglasses indoors is an equally effective douchebag indicator.

   Don't worry I won't tell anyone.. and if I do, I'll tell them not to tell anyone.

   Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window

   Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night

   We have 50 friends in common and I still have no idea who the hell you are

   Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

   McDonald's in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.

   Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.

   If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.

   What's another word for word?