jon Funny Status Messages

   My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don't have a little brother...

   A teacher, once said, that, I overused commas. What she didn't understand, at all, was that I was writing, like Christopher Walken speaks.

   wonders why is it that when a man talks nasty to a woman it's harassment, but when a woman talks nasty to a man it's £3.99 a minute

   Ok it has been 9 hours now...I wonder how many people already messed their New Years resolution up???

   a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never here the end of it

   "JESUS CHRIST... HOW BOUT YOU MAKE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES PANCAKES FOR DINNER FOR ONCE!!!!" - Aunt Jemima's nieces and nephews.

   Women are like fine wines; you can try to sell them at auctions, but Liam Neeson will find you, and he will kill you.

   We live in a world where the police come faster if you prank call them then if you were to have a serious problem

   I saw a sign that said 'NO PARKING' so I took out a sharpie & now it says 'NO PARKING UNLESS YOU ARE AWESOME' & now I found a parking spot.

   Man posted "saved 30 people from a fire" 2 ppl like this, female half naked in her pic posted "the mail man didnt come today"= 65 ppl like this

   Give a man to fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'd stop after a day & be like "Screw that. It was way easier wen you guys just got me fish"

   Went outside before without my iPhone & Twitter. Panicked. Didn't know what to do. Ran in circles. Tired now. Need a juice box.

   National back to being miserable couples day

   Goals for this weekend: 1) get drunk 2) find Easter bunny & take Instagram pic of him 3) get drunk again 4) eat chocolate 5) refer to 1&3

   just lost my job at the Orange Juice factory...I couldn't concentrate

   Statistically speaking, roughy 118% of all people over-exaggerate.

   Ok Northerners, stop criticizing how we handle snow & ice. It is very rare down here. You know kinda like winning a BCS National Championship up there

   You know its tax season when people start posting pictures of their rent money

   Finding a teen that does not have child is like finding the back to my remote

   1st grader: I need something to drink. College graduate: I N33|) 50m37h1nG t0 dr1nKz