daheavy1 Funny Status Messages

   Why do baby clothes have pockets?

   December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

   Anything related to Halloween doesn't scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising

   Coaster? You're assuming I plan to put my drink down...

   I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.

   One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

   If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   Red cups..helping the youth get their buzz on for over 30 years

   A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

   Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.

   12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”

   North Korea's Internet is down. In even more shocking news, North Korea apparently has Internet.

   Thank you: 'hard taco shells', for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking at the moment I put something inside you.

   How come when people fill out applications, under "Emergency Contact," nobody ever puts "911"?

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you

   Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons

   If a telemarketer calls give the phone to your 3 yr old, and tell them its Santa Clause

   7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.

   Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.