Grifter Funny Status Messages

   It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol....

   The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

   Wouldn't it be great if Ctrl+Alt+Del worked on stupid people?

   A law that made it illegal to lie about military medals has just been overturned. On a side note, my resumé just got a lot more interesting......

   got his test results back this morning and is shocked to find that he's been diagnosed with OCD. He's called the doctors nine times to check if they're correct....

   I just wish my mouth had a backspace key....

   Have you ever looked at someone and said to yourself, "Life would be so much better if their mom had just swallowed"?

   Fun idea of the day: Don't have kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.....

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car....

   There are very, very few things it's ok to say to someone at the next urinal. "You must take vitamins", is not one of them....

   I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire....

   Sometimes just for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction....

   as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar....

   A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed....

   I went to a bookstore last night and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose....

   I wish I could commute to work by roller-coaster....

   My neighbor was banging on my door at 3 a.m.! Can you believe that? 3 a.m.! Luckily, I was still up playing my drums....

   Being a politician is a lot like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're screwing them....

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case...

   It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up...