@marqattacks Funny Status Messages

   On Thanksgiving, I always like to pretend, as I'm driving down empty roads and parking lots, that I lived through a zombie apocalypse.

   It dosen't mtetar in waht oredr the lettres in a wrod are. The olny imtorpant thnig is taht the frist and lsat leettr be in the rhgit palce. The rset can be a ttoal mses and you can stlil raed it wihtout peoblrm.

   So I guess changing my profile picture to Herbert from Family Guy wouldn't be appropriate this week.

   How'd I sleep? Like a baby. Woke up every two hours and cried.

   I asked this asian lady what she wanted to drink. She said: "Aren't you so nice." I said, "Well, thanks! So nothing to drink?" She said: "ORANGE JUICE NO ICE!"

   I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

   I love food samples. I hate the whole routine that comes after: pick up the product, nod, all while having no intention of buying it.

   Curiosity killed the cat... but satisfaction brought him back.

   I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

   it just me or do TSA Agents remind you of Far Side characters?

   I blame my addiction on violent movies and video games on my dad giving me the movie RoboCop when I was 5.

   Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.