@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   I hated my first experience of skydiving. I jumped out of the plane with the other person next to me. Anyway about halfway down he said "So how long have you been an instructor?"

   I got sacked as a bingo caller tonight. Apparently "a meal for two with a terrible view" wasn't the best way to announce the number 69....

   A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?" The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."

   My doctor just told me I'm a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.

   When I was at school I belonged to a gang called The Secret Seven and we were sworn to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other six were.

   You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.

   BBC News: Questions being asked why bomb detecting equipment didn't detect fake bomb on board plane which flew from London to Istanbul. Erm, because it wasn't a bomb?

   Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history.

   It's claimed Macaulay Culkin's health problems are linked to a difficult childhood. No sh1t. His parents forgot to take him on holiday 4 times.

   The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst - So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

   If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?

   I take a viagr@ tablet every night before I go to sleep... stops me from rolling out of bed!

   really thinks there should be an option on Facebook to 'like' someone's status but not be reminded every single time someone replies on it!

   The next time someone calls you from a withheld number just answer it and say, "hello London sperm bank. You squeeze it - we freeze it!" ... See what happens.

   I'm doing my bit to help kick-start the economy... I've started printing money too.

   At work today, my self-conscious colleague was getting paranoid about her weight, "I am so fat! Look at me, I am the definition of obesity!" she cried. I replied: "Don't be daft, come, grab two chairs and we'll talk about it."

   I seriously can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   Dave needs to get more sheep in Farmville! ... Dave needs to get 6 more points to advance in Mafia Wars! ... Dave needs to get a f-kin life!

   I haven't had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes. It doesn't bother me though.

   My wife is leaving me because I believe everything I read on the internet. Not worried though, there are some sexy Russian girls in my area.