Funny Status Messages

   Dating is like going to garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need. 21 minutes

   I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.

   How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

   In alcohol’s defense, I've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   Think I'm going to keep covering my face with a mask after the pandemic as they're really helping my dating life.

   SYNONYM [Noun] A word used in a place of the one you can't spell.

   I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

   Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

   I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

   Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

   Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool. When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

   Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp? Me: 1970.

   The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

   Parenting fact: The kid who says “wasn’t me” before you even ask the question is definitely the guilty one

   *reading the nutrition facts of a cookie* me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

   Amazing how much technology has advanced with new ways for people to communicate with each other 50 years ago they used to call talking.

   I'm so happy these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water. That’s roughly how many times I need to flush.

   If the warehouse store is surrounded by barbed wire the prices are usually excellent.

   I personally prefer Right Twix because I don't agree with Left Twix's stance on crumb control.

   Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.