Snotty Funny Status Messages

   It's almost July 4th, the day we fought back against the aliens.

   "I'd hit that".......................... - Old people driving

   Rihanna says she’ll probably have kids,,,,,, mostly because Chris wants to take a swing at being a dad.

   Sorry Can't....I'm Writing "Dora The" on every Ford Explorer in this mall parking lot.

   My greatest fear is that I'll have on dirty underwear & the emergency first responders will just leave me to die... * I blame my mom for this

   So the clown at my kid's birthday party has been pulling a CVS receipt out of his sleeve for the past 20 minutes..

   The guy who flushed the toilet on my teleconference was my hero... Then, After NOT hearing the faucet turn on,, he's also the real terrorist.

   Yeah, we also have a vegan option for those of you that can't deal with the guilt of being at the top of the food chain,,, you wuss.

   As a father to 2 sons & a grandfather to 2 grandsons,, I often find myself torn between.. "Don't ever do that again" and " Ahh,Good one!"

   *flips coin in Air* ... "heads I get out of bed, tails I don't"... *coin lands too far away*........... "well bed it is!"

   "I'll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription" ..."Sir, those are kids" ..."Gimme two"

   Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award,,, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

   My family could never afford that fancy Burts Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir,,, we made do with Herberts Hornets lacerating pain venom

   My kid sent me a text asking to buy him some decaf, certified organic coffee... I wished him good luck in life.. I'll miss him.

   If I ever become senile,, I just want to be as oblivious as people who respond seriously to humorous rhetorical questions on FB.

   About 73% of the time, I just make up percentages

   Good judgement comes from experience. And all of that comes from bad judgment.

   Unfortunate Cookies™ are like fortune cookies, except each one contains one of my epic puns...

   SUSAN: You spent our entire life savings on dogs?? Me: They're golden retrievers, Susan... They retrieve gold,, I did it for us

   Rapunzel! Rapunzel!,, Let down your CVS receipt!........ *A modern fairy tale