Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Autocorrect me if I'm Rung,,, but there's no Tim like the presents

   I just robbed everyone at a Whole Foods Market and I was armed with nothing but a bag of gluten

   The human body is amazingly intricate,, and astonishingly beautiful,, for a turd factory

   When it comes to toilet water,, It's not the taste that keeps me coming back.... It's the free refills.

   He's got moves like Jagger.... Sorry.. Palsy.... He's got palsy

   Had a long talk with an alien today, good news; they won't be invading us.. They'll just move to Earth once we're all done killing each other...

   I rewrote a new ending for my autobiography... This time, I live.

   I suspect that my local Wal-Mart's selling knock-off canned spaghetti... I'd investigate,, but I'm worried it'll open a whole can of worms.

   People! Relax! Subway foot longs ARE foot longs. You just have to measure from the balls.

   The longer I sit on this bidet at The Olive Garden,,, the more it looks like it's just a sink.

   Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.

   You lose your wallet on the bus,,,, later, you see the same bus wearing a new pair of sunglasses, and a gold watch

   "Blinded By The Light" is my favorite song about what happens to people when I take my shirt off outside for the first time each year.

   I just ran over a mime.,,, Well, now he’s a mime.

   I wonder if Caitlyn Jenner dared to go as Bruce Jenner for Halloween.

   Well,,,, Marvin Gaye's family is suing me for asking what's going on.

   8.Excuse me, miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there...

   Please take the time to get to know me via my Facebook page. I think you'll like what you find. For example, I can type.

   Does selling weed qualify as a joint income?

   One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.