Funny Status Messages

   It's a good day to be an avid indoorsman. Just harvested some berries from my fridge and slaughtered a Pop-Tart.

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille

   I got a Go Fund Me Account so I can afford Avocado on all my sandwiches

   Rap battles in Canada consist of two people trying to outdo each other with compliments.

   Did you know that babies lose very little weight in jogging strollers.

   If it's the thought that counts, I should probably be in jail.

   Some are mad Bradley Cooper went to DNC after portraying Chris Kyle. I get it, I'm still furious Johnny Depp doesn't travel via pirate ship.

   I also think it's adorable how their putting jokes on the sides of snacks now. .. Like listen to this one, ,,"serving size 3 cookies "

   I'm beginning to think that this election scenario has turned into our own version of the "Kobayashi Maru"

   My autocorrect just changed "hiatus" to "hi anus" on this email subject line to my boss, so I guess I don't work here anymore.

   I will throw an old lady in front of me to avoid being seen by someone I know at the grocery store.

   You wouldn't believe how many bookshelves I've ruined looking for secret passageways.

   Death by school supplies shopping.

   It's only a matter of time before the Pokemon Rehabs pop up everywhere.

   Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?

   The porn parody of Suicide Squad had better character development than the actual movie.

   My message in a bottle would simply say 'please fill with vodka' and include a return address.

   Can I ask for prayers please? I'm about to write a check.

   10 Ways to Put Me in a Better Mood... 1: Get... 2: Your... 3: Slow-ass... 4: Car... 5: Out... 6: Of... 7: The... 8: Frigging... 9: Left... 10: Lane

   Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?