Funny Status Messages

   Drunk Me: "You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day: UPS GUY: "Sir just sign for the package"

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   Sometimes, I just want to give it all up for 4 fried chickens and a Coke.

   I'll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.

   How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?

   Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR

   To everyone reading this congratulations for surviving the end of the world.

   If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

   Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used

   Before you ask me for life advice, you should know that I make big decisions by shaking a Magic 8 Ball and cranking up Van Halen's "Jump".

   The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.

   Irony is these two idiots at Starbucks complaining about the price of gas.

   After tomorrow we'll no longer be hating folks because of their candidate. We can go back hating them for how they eat, or what movie they like

   5 Stages of Grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Complaining online 4. Complaining online 5. Complaining online

   FUN FACT: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)

   The reason why tomato soup and grilled cheese is such a good combo is because it’s basically the same ingredients as pizza.

   Don't you hate it when You look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it

   Based on this Target restroom, either not everyone is shaving off their pubes or they're shaving them off in here!

   Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....

   "Well, Bill, now I see how you came up with the word 'Microsoft'." -Melinda Gates, on their wedding night.