Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Why is our society failing?.. Because the slow gazelle doesn't get eaten anymore.. *see kiddie soccer.

   I can't recall,,,Was the "power of Grayskull" 110v or 220v?

   When I was a kid,,, we had to post updates through two cups and a string.

   Oh GOODIE,,,, Please post some more pics of your dog...and your food. Oh, why stop there? Post some pics of your dogs food.

   "FRIGGIN!!!,,,, FRIG!!"... - *Godzilla, after stomping on a Lego store.

   Life? Listen to me, kid... You only have to watch River Monsters once,, for your Netflix recommendations to be in shambles

   By the 5th kid, you allow stuff like wearing swim goggles all day

   You can tell a lot about someone by the way they don't apologize.

   You think you can preach??? I just convinced a Pentecostal woman to put on pants.

   You know,,, The first rule of redundancy club, is the first rule of redundancy club.

   Fun fact: if you shush a librarian they have to grant you three wishes.

   Sometimes, I just want to leave everything behind and get hopelessly lost.... *Goes to Ikea.

   Do the villains in Scooby-Doo know they have the right to remain silent?

   So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off,, and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

   North Korea's fax: USA, We will attack you without warning... p.s. This fax is not a warning... p.s.s. This fax is not indicative of our technology

   Rainy day entertainment idea: Take the kids to Cabela's,, or as I call it, "The Really Still Zoo."

   My super power is making conversations awkward by constantly adjusting my nuts while you talk.

   Evel Kneivel: Jumps over 45 old school busses... Good Kneivel: Fixes the busses and makes sure every kid gets a good education

   Just broke up a fight between my wife and a car seat.

   Umm, your honour? In my defence,,, I think it was a pretty decent exposure.