Funny Status Messages

   Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...

   I can turn any song into the explict version if I dont really know the words.

   Everyone has awesome boobs in their bitstrip

   Reece's Peanut Butter C Cups. Someone get to work on this. Now.

   Congrats on your secret admirer! It must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!

   In my will I am leaving everything to the imagination.

   Well there's only one way to find out how many of my coworkers secretly wish that I'd punch them...

   says Happy Friday @ 5:00 pm! If an ice cold, tall, 22 ounce Miller Lite is wrong, I dont wanna be right...

   I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot

   Words of wisdom: Never turn on your windshield washer, going 60 mph, and your sun roof open. Unless you want to wake the kids in the back seat.

   I once was on a diet for a month and lost 30 days

   I'm not that impressed that hula dancers can tell a story with their hands. I can tell a story with one finger.

   Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

   I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.

   I've invented a new low-intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch.

   It's not that the elderly drive badly. It's just that they're the only ones with the time to do the speed limit.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.

   Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

   Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out but the only way I can shut the B*tch up is with cookies.

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.