Funny Status Messages

   I hate to sound so skeptical but I'm starting to think that The Office isn't a real documentary.

   ok, the dude was on the no flight list 24 hrs prior to him boarding the plane, but the airlines werent aware of it cuz they update they database every 24 hrs??? better hit that "Refresh" button every hour then, Gee!

   Some people have an inflated view of their importance in my life.

   If I had nothing left to complain about, I'd complain about that.

   Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Except the absence of herpes.Im pretty fond of not having that.

   I feel sorry for our ancestors who used to have to wait days or weeks to hear from friends that they were laughing out loud.

   Every time I pour water on myself when attempting to use a water bottle I get sad because even hamsters have mastered this.

   isn't sure what's worse...the massive amount of oil gushing into the ocean, or the massive amount of BS gushing from BP executives.

   exceptionally frustrated! How can I creep your Facebook page when I have to wade thru your farm, mafia, daily luck, horoscope, quiz results, lover/friend of the day, cafe world, and everything of which you've now become a fan? Make it easy on me people!!!

   to drink or........... to drink there is no question.

   I feel a spree coming on. It's either shopping or killing, I haven't decided yet.

   Most great musicians die young, unfortunately we're going to be stuck with Kanye West for a while

   Kind of unfair that dentists are the only ones who have the freedom to shove their hand in someone's mouth when they start talking.

   I've been on a million first dates in my life, but there is still no rejection like a toddler refusing to high five you back...

   When all the confusion exhibited at a four way stop is considered, it's really quite surprising that we ever made it to the top of the food chain

   I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.

   Newest Facebook Relationship Status: Pre-divorce

   Don't "xoxoxoxo" unless you mean it... I'm not flying to Budapest again...

   Wow. I have 4 events today, none of which I agreed to go to or expressed any interest in whatsoever. Thanks, Facebook!

   My bucket list: ◻️ Beer ◻️ Ice