@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.

   Who's the best at Mud Wrestling... Girls from America or Girls from the UK? Only one way to find out... fiiiggghhhtt!....

   I was locked out of my girlfriend's house last night, so I decided to smash her back doors in. Good way to kill the time whilst we waited for the locksmith.

   Before you send me any sick jokes about that murderer in the North East don't bother. It's not even rauolmoatly funny.

   ...BBC News: 'Cap For Unemployed Families On Benefits' - Burberry by any chance?

   looking forward to July 12th... England 4?5?6? - USA 0

   When they get the Chilean miners out, can we put the Go Compare guy in?

   Spain made over 800 passes in last night's game. The only way England could make that many is if we enter Wayne Rooney on Mastermind.

   MSN News: Hippo caught on camera chasing boat. I think you'll find it was my wife, and she was Waterskiing.

   noticed on the news earlier that the Popemobile has got a very distinctive personal number plate: 1 H4V3 M4DD13. No idea what that's all about.

   Apparently the drummer from Blur wants to be an MP. Yet another politician who wants to live in a house, a very big house in the country...

   There are 206 bones in the human body. This can rise to 209 on a regular basis if your name is Jordan.

   Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says, ”Every time I suck William's c*ck I get acid indigestion”. The Queen replies, ”Have you tried Andrews?”

   We were at the shopping centre and I caught my reflection in a shop window, I thought to myself "F-k me I've lost loads of weight!" The girlfriend hates that nickname, but I found her eventually.

   Apparently Cheryl Cole must drop her accent for the X-Factor to succeed in America. I reckon the show would work better if she dropped her knickers instead.

   How about instead of doing the 69, we just do the 68. It's where you do me... and I owe you one.

   The top 5 footballers from the 2010-11 season have been announced: Giggs Cort Given Thomas De Koch.

   Fact of the day... no such thing as an American site unless the website is about America. Football is what's going on in the World Cup... England will wake up and beat Slovenia: Fact!

   Ok, so I've got my petrol home. Now where am I supposed to store it all? The bath is already full of stamps and pasties.

   A fool proof way to find out if a girl likes ya... ring her up at 3am whilst she's asleep. If she texts you the day after and she includes LOL twice.... you've pulled.