Funny Status Messages

   “Who is this I just got a new phone?” Really means I didn’t bother to store your number because you aren’t that important.

   I'm glad Lassie wasnt my dog. I just want to watch TV, I don't want to be constantly rescuing people.

   A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

   First you have to tell 'em Santa's not real. Then you have to tell 'em Nicki Minaj is real.. ..no wonder the kids are confused.

   When I was 7 I saw a sign that said "ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES" and I thought...That's s huge amount of pressure to put on one kid

   Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?

   I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.

   One good thing about Twitter is that it keeps all annoying people away from Facebook.

   After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself

   Oh, you were hurt in the past huh? Well, 1) we are all hurt at some point, 2) get over it and 3) I'm not the one that hurt you so don't treat me like I am.

   Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money

   When the alcohol goes in, the truth comes out.

   In my day a mouse pad was a place rodents lived, a cursor was someone you avoided, and if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you sure never told anyone.

   you know you have been drinking to much when a cop get's behind your car and you ask yourself if you had been drinking today!

   Lazy Rules #1:The farther away the remote is, the more you like what's already on TV.

   Wanna lose weight? Try the grapefruit diet. Eat something...follow with half a grapefruit. Eat something else...half a grapefruit. So far today I've had 94 grapefruits.

   Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.

   Folks, there's zero % chance a candidate will pay off your student loans if elected. They're just pandering for all those votes...

   It's all fun and games until your iPhone is at 10% power

   So I'm in line at Walgreens,,, The lady ahead of me turns around & whispers to me she has diarrhea. Apparently,, I have a "Tell me if you have diarrhea" face..