Snotty Funny Status Messages

   LIFE HACK: Just eat your burrito over a tortilla,,, anything that falls out, will simply start building your next burrito

   "Can't You Just Let Me Watch The Damn Football Game?" – the Working Title of my new Childrens book

   PRO PARENTING TIP: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest... .2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's ten... 3. When he asks you about the picture, stare silently into the ceiling for 10 min. then make chirping noise

   Make sure you have at least one friend who invents words. It could be me, or it could be another wordventor,,, It doesn't matter.

   I put apple juice in a spray bottle to use on some ribs. I sprayed it in my mouth.... Cups are now ridiculous to me.

   I come from a long line of impatient customers.

   "I make six figures just about every year"-..................... In my unsuccessful mannequin business

   Gameshow Fact: Every time a girl buys "a D",,, Pat hip-thrusts off camera.

   My wife asking me to do the first half of the kids' bedtime,,, is like asking me to shake up a can of soda before handing it to her...

   That kid looks ALOT like me.... Somebody should warn him.

   in my opinion, a camel's back seems like a very inefficient way to transport straws,,, but I might be a bit biased here.

   "My best years are still ahead of me," I say as I walk slowly up the stairs, knees crackling like a campfire.

   When I lose a sock in the wash, I'll usually pour a little detergent out on the floor out of respect.

   Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

   Yesterday,, Someone once tried to break into my taxidermy studio,,, but I fought them off with my bear hands.

   In time for the Holiday, Axe releases 3 new body sprays... 1. Pull My Finger... 2. Bowling shoe... 3. Elf bum

   About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!

   [Me to the 2nd baseman after I slide into base]... Make sure you separate plastics & food waste... [Coach from dugout] NO YOU IDIOT,,, NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

   Get this: My 2 year old & 8 month old decided not to take advantage of the extra hour of sleep yesterday morning.

   My cat eats ONLY top-quality organic treats... And licks its own butthole.