Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Awwe, he's sleeping like a baby......... *People who've never had a baby*

   1964:"Remember kids," As our youth basketball coach said, "there's no "i" in team.".. "Not yet," whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, ".. not yet."

   Got fired from Bath and Body Works. Apparently coming up behind customers & whispering, "it puts the lotion in the basket," is frowned upon.

   DID YOU KNOW : They automatically qualify you for AARP if you provide an " AOL" email address

   I think KFC should expand their menu to include a 30 piece bucket of original recipe/ extra crispy skin.

   "Angry bowel Syndrome" May not be the MOST prevailent disease to get celebrity attention and special ribbon,,, But it is pushing to be #2

   Happy birthday to my Dad,,,, who was yelling stuff from the toilet with the door open 36 years before Facebook was created.

   If you've been married for more than 10 years,, You KNOW that Ken dolls are anatomically correct

   I have a feeling that this Philip Philips guy is going to be huge if he can just figure out a way to get one more Philip into his name

   Truthful tuesday: When I see something funny on the feed here, I don’t usually laugh.. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.

   Corn is the ultimate in and out of body experience.

   "What kind of a sick freak would have a painting of a postman being sodomised by a donkey?"... "That's a Rorschach ink blot test.".... "Ummm, a what?"

   Date night with the wife tonight... It'll be nice to argue and fight in public for a change.

   The sky is the limit unless you understand science.

   If I could pick one famous person, living or dead, to spend a day with, I'd pick Kim Kardashian,,and choose dead.

   My real superpower is guessing the weight of your emotional baggage.... HINT: It's more than you think

   Enters gynecologist's exam room wearing a lab coat and giant foam finger

   DENTIST: OK, open up.... Me: Well, I guess it all started when my dad left... DENTIST: No, I mean.... DENTAL ASSISTANT: Wait Bob, Let him finish

   UGHhhh,, Spelling errors agrevated me SO much,,,, Just mix up two letters and your whole post is urined

   I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.