Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm holding tryouts for my band tonight... So far it's Crackhead Tim on flute & Captain Potato salad whispering into a paper cup,,, so we're kind of just looking for dancers.

   "Where the streets have no name"...That,, my little ones, is probably why they still haven't found what they're looking for.

   The wife's only listening to you outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels

   "extra cheese" should be the average amount of cheese on everything.

   It's like my dad always said,,,, "Don't call me Dad."

   I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to

   If you don't have a watch,, The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.

   Please just put it in the fridge.... We'll throw it away next week.

   HEY,,,Being a teenager is hard, you guys.... Especially when you're 45..

   Personally,,,,,, I'm giving up my belly button and the space between my toes..... For lint

   Polly wolly doodle all the day?.. In this economy?

   I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.

   Good to see Brian Williams back on TV all these years after he pulled me from the rubble on 9/11.

   Relationship status: Looking for a good woman to stand up to my mom for me.

   Each of my teardrop tattoos represent french fries I dropped between my car's seats.

   BREAKING NEWS: Massive cold takes over US after Trump calls out Heat Miser on Twitter

   I bet Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the highest level Pokémon Go players.

   Few things are more disconcerting than a damp hand towel.

   Amazon Go let's you walk out of the store without stopping to pay?.. Winona Ryder, , you are a woman about 15 years ahead of your time

   *at a fancy restaurant.. . Ummm,, yes, what color wines do you have