sean Funny Status Messages

   This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear..... I'm just fat.

   My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I'm on it when I run into someone I know in public.

   I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

   Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses

   Being alive is so expensive.

   Ever have one of those days when your keys kicked your ass at a game of hide and seek?

   I don't want to brag, but I've been told by no less than 6 women I've ruined their lives.

   well how long before we see KC Royals World Series shirts on the news during an ebola segment in Africa. ...

   Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don't really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don't really mean it.

   The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.

   Had dinner with a girl tonight! Ok so maybe she was on the tv, but we were eating at the same time so I'm counting it.

   The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.

   I got fired from work on pajama day... It's not my fault I sleep naked.

   Can't believe it's the Chinese New Year. I'm still writing Rabbit on all of my checks.

   I'm glad Lassie wasnt my dog. I just want to watch TV, I don't want to be constantly rescuing people.

   I have a six figure salary. Unfortunately, all six figures are to the right of the decimal point.

   You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

   I didn't sign up for the 401k at my new job, because there's no way I can run that far.

   People who can't find happiness aren't in a liquor store

   The Middle East and Kim Kardashian's a$$ have a lot in common. Both are massive, have tons of oil, and have been invaded by the West.