Funny Status Messages

   Why are medication side effects always negative things? Why is it never a side effect that this medication may make you better at math or may cause extreme sexiness. Why is it never a side effect that you get smarter or can more easily learn French

   I wish there was a way to turn bad books back into trees.

   I was watching a TV show on the top ten ways to avoid a shark attack. I was shocked to hear that "stay out of the water" wasn't number one.

   Yes,but Where on Eileen ?

   DOGE claims to have found mountains of fraud, yet NO ONE has been indicted for the crime of fraud. It's almost like Elon is 100% full of s

   Sleepy Joe is 1000x the man and President than that sack of s*** in office right now is.

   Marriage tip: Make sure your wife always accommodates to your needs. "Honey, when you finish using the bathroom, you need to put the toilet seat back up".

   When I say, "I hate drama" I mean I hate being involved in drama. Other people's drama? Big fan!!!

   Misery

   Gobble till you wobble!

   What a lucky week! First I win the lottery, and then some relatives I'd lost contact with got in touch.

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. first became angry.

   Eating a bowl of Sour Patch Kids cereal. I added milk & drowned the kids.... I'm a CEREAL killer

   Not living in 'Murica is the greatest. It's like when you drive by the homeless and see them living in tents and think to yourself "Thank Christ that's not me." We feel the same about the States lol

   Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world: holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on.

   I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

   Q. Can you name a fisherman's tool and a popular search engine? A. Netanyahu.

   A true friend is someone who knows how crazy you are and is still willing to be seen in public with you.

   If there's a 'z' in the middle of a last name, they're Italian. If there's a 'z' at the end of a last name, they're bean poppers.