Funny Status Messages

   Oops! I left the curtains open. Now my neighbors know what my junk looks like pressed up against the window with a flashlight aimed at it.

   Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.

   Well I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.

   Sometimes I wish I could be a load of laundry in my dryer so I could sit in a dark quiet place and everyone would ignore me for a week.

   My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

   Soccer: A game so simple-minded they can teach roosters how to play it. 🐓

   They should release the Epstein list right before the Oscars.

   You call me "Far Right" but I think what you really mean is "Right so Far."

   Two hundred fifteen pounds? More like five hundred pounds.

   I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

   If you’re looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!............... We can look for it together.

   I said to the waiter, "This fish is dry." And he said, "Yes sir, we had to take it out of the water."

   Hey did you guys catch Jimmy Kimmel lastnight? Me either

   To everyone that signed my 7th grade yearbook. You will be happy to know I did in fact “stay cool”

   Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty dang expensive.

   Never accept a drink from a urologist.

   I'd make a swear jar but I don't have the type of income to keep up with my mouth...

   Got the results of my history exam. Past.

   He had nine days in the desert, why didn’t he take the time to name the horse??

   You know growing up I could tell who had money and who didn't. People with money had Tupperware people without money had butter containers.. We used butter and cool whip containers