Funny Status Messages

   Witnesses says that Gaetz acted like a party frat boy. I wonder which frat hose he belonged to? Imma tappa minor?

   Whenever someone says, “A word to the wise,” I assume it to be my dismissal from the conversation.

   The cover up is clear. GOP congress reducing the funding for embassy security must be covered up at all cost!

   Just got kicked out of Subway for asking if I could get a footlong Spicy Italian in my Kids Meal....

   - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants

   Adulthood is just another word for 'liver damage'.

   Judges 19:22-30New International Version

   Apparently, I've been playing "Hide & Seek" at Ikea this whole time. That'd be me looking for the exit and the exit hiding from me.

   Anyone in Detroit with muscles think you can help me unscrew this part in my car? I've been at it for like 20 minutes and it won't budge

   My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

   Macklemore swept the Rap categories, now I get why its called The Heist.

   X says Ah, The Super Bowl... Finally I can say "What a huge sack!" or "That's some serious penetration by The D!" -he got it from twittterr

   My salvation can be found in vodka, and very good weed.

   When God closes a door, I open a beer.

   Took a smoke break...... Came back inside to watch the Daytona 500.... All of the cars changed paint scheme..... Wait, what? Huh?..... Have I drank that much????? Rain delay dumbass....last years race..... Slowly walks back outside for another smoke

   They are saying that Ukraine might split into two nations...It's gonna be called "2Krainez"....T.R.U. story

   Just made a batch of my super spicy 3 jalapeno chili. MILF! And by MILF I mean Man I Love to Fart!!

   When I see a fender bender in traffic, I like to run over and cover myself with a bloody sheet and lay beside the road just to give the passing traiffic a show.

   Keyboard worshippers are at it again this sunday morning.

   the lucky is the only cigarette in the pacK that I get drunk and light backwards