Funny Status Messages

   Some people repeat themselves when they're drunk & some people repeat themselves when they're drunk.

   You ever go to sleep late afternoon and wake up after dark....and you don't know what damn day it is?

   In hell, you have to find the start to scotch tape over and over

   That was insensitive. I asked you to stop being stupid without considering how incredibly difficult that must be for you.

   Holy Crap!! I was sitting there wondering why no one was posting and thought I was the only one left... Its All Good.. I accidently logged into my MySpace account.. That was a close one!

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up it's the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.

   If you are wearing Uggz with cargo shorts, you need to get your life together!!!!!!

   I̶'̶m̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶s̶t̶u̶p̶i̶d̶!̶ I'm not with stupid anymore

   I know God doesn't make mistakes but I question some of the places he put hair on the human body.

   Yield signs should just be a picture of a dude shrugging his shoulders.

   In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage. They make it into television shows.

   Don't dwell on your past, disappointments, or failures, you can't trip on something behind you.

   It's racial profiling when a waiter in a Chinese restaurant gives me a fork.

   Sorry I can't go out tonight, I can't find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.

   *Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

   Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear

   Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.

   "Lets not judge a whole race by the actions of one mad man." All races are asssssshooole equally.

   I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

   Russian and Ukrainian troops in Crimea are involved in a tense stand-off. The latest reports are that France has already surrendered....