Funny Status Messages

   The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.

   Remember that episode on Cosby Show where Vanessa got drunk and was hung over..........I'm thinking Cosby did that

   In honor of Presidents Day, I'm making HUGE promises to everyone that I have no intention of keeping...

   Hang on, rest of the world suffering from real crises. We're busy picking which humans are best at pretending to be other humans.

   The car seats in your Neon really accentuate your gangsta lean bro.

   By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.

   Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now

   You know you're a bad driver when your GPS tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"

   All shoes are technically buy one get one free...

   Can't believe it's been a whole year since the world ended in 2012

   People who bite icecream scare the hell out of me

   I think Oprah should marry Deepak Choprah and take his last name.

   Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom's wastepaper basket.

   I don't think my Neighbor's wife watches porn, I have been cleaning her pool for 3 hours now and she still hasn't invited me inside :/

   Well since the government is shutdown that means he shouldn't be taking any taxes out of my next paycheck.

   I only have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

   I've yet to check the status of my Lotto ticket. My biggest fear is that for last five hours here at work, I've put up with unnecessary bull****

   - Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.

   I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn't shop.

   I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.