Funny Status Messages

   Weight Loss Tip: Burn more calories by screaming into the abyss.

   Has found love on facebook. Shes from Bangladesh and "wan day will reash amehica."

   If Mike Wazowski scratches the bottom of his head, is he scratching his chin? Or his balls?

   I say Back to work. Do strippers say Back to Twerk?

   I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

   I received my first unsolicited goat pic. Not kidding.

   Whenever I email a girl I like with my old flip phone I always make sure to finish it off by writing "Sent by IPhone 5G Mobile Device" so she thinks I'm hip.

   I'm not looking like a million dollars today, more like about $19.95. But I am hanging out at the Dollar Store so I am feeling pretty good.

   this girl I'm stalking never returns any of my texts,i think I should stalk other women.

   If someone gave me a million dollars to lose weight for one of those weight loss programs I would too

   Two girls talking. 1st girl: I've been ask lots of times to get married. 2nd girl: Was it by the same guy? 1st girl: No, by my mother.

   Pro-tip: sadness is for people who are awake or sober.

   Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these effing mind games?!

   A good way to understand the importance of wood grain is to pet a cat.

   Since Easter sunday is also April fool's day as a April fool's prank. Besides dyeing raw eggs (That I mention in an earlies status) I also willbe substituting the candy choclate balls with chocolate covered brussel sprouts.

   If you don't have an address on your house to make it easy to find then you need to address that!

   Ladies being mistaken for a hooker is same as us straight guys getting hit on by gay guys.

   What's on my mind is what do I need to do today besides waste time looking at Facebook?

   Just got done knockin boots! Alright fine, I just used a broom to brush the snow off of my sandals...

   I poured my heart out and it evaporated. FML