Funny Status Messages

   At McDonalds last night the dude gave me the wrong flavored McFlurry. I threw it back at him and screamed back, "You McF*CKED UP!"

   My girlfriend and I are going through a tough period...Its actually her first...

   i thought it was going to take us couple of days to beat libya! what happened? we should leave those arabic countries alone. we just cant beat them!

   I'm never eating a edible again. I watched an entire movie on mute and started crying because I thought I was deaf.

   rael, I will trade my Obama for your Netanyahu and I will even throw in Joe Biden if you want him........

   I just accidentally sat on my phone and it said it recognized my face and unlocked.

   I trust CNN about as far as I can throw MSNBC.

   you look so beautiful.......GOD THIS THING SUCKS AT SARCASM

   Gonna see my therapist tomorrow, want anything?

   To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

   ..read this out loud ," I am we Todd did. I am sofa king we Todd did "

   Mary must've given some pretty good head for Joseph to buy into all THAT shi t.

   If I got a haircut and didn't post the selfie on social media, did I really get a haircut?

   Test driving a new Lexus, put a red bow on it & pulling into random people's driveways honking.

   I’m dreaming of a White Christmas and yes I mean cocaine

   I really dont want to spend the next 4 years picturing Bill and Hillary lying in bed swaping hand jobs

   No thanks, $40 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

   [being chased by a murderer] can we slow down I’m not wearing a bra

   I didn't mean to gain weight, it just happened by snackcident

   It was nice to see Rose from the Titanic do the coin toss..