Funny Status Messages

   This is why the government won’t tell us if aliens are real. You fockers will panic and buy all the tin foil.

   Do people just get up and think about what they can be offended by today?

   Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".

   I wonder if he will put Hillary in jail now?

   Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   What does "prices too low to advertise" mean? Are they afraid if they advertise the price that too many people will want to buy it?

   "Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...

   Not sure what's longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.

   Of all the poop in this world, who decided that bat shyt's the craziest?

   Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?

   I have no problem with the Kardashians. I have a problem with the people who care about them.

   FACT : If someone is playing Xmas music in October, you're legally allowed to kill them and use their corpse as a Halloween decoration.

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.

   I have learned to protect myself against identity theft by keeping a low credit score and no money.

   When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

   I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering WTF it was protecting its eyes from