Funny Status Messages

   Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.

   Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you're under oath

   I'm thankful for the people who have the make of their car across their windshield, I've always wondered who made your '97 Civic

   The good thing about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are....the bad think about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are.

   Have you tried sitting on the bench? - my life coach

   "Auld Lang Syne" is too good to save for New Year's — I like to pump that jam in the middle of summer, with the top down

   FYI: THIS IS THE FURTHEST IN HISTORY ANYONE'S EVER GONE!!!

   Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money.

   It's weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

   Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn't hear you the first 100 times.

   So glad Facebook has changed the layout again!! - Said no one, ever...

   I gave up on everyone, don't make this about you.

   I think Suge Knight pays someone to shoot him before the VMAs so he doesn't have to sit through them

   I'd take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.

   Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, and where did he get the idea?

   There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.

   Pro Tip: When having sex on the first date, ALWAYS say "I've never done this" so your partner knows you're a compulsive liar as well.

   " I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!

   Maybe my parents never told me how proud they were of me because they didn't have Facebook back then?

   I enjoy having a full length mirror facing my bed so I can see all the sex I'm not having.