Funny Status Messages

   Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.

   Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I'm 82.

   So now people are purposely sucking on cups to enlarge their lips. What more is the apocalypse waiting for?

   I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.

   Mexican magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos…" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres.

   Breaking news: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

   Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?

   The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $586 million. The odds of winning are 1 in 259 million. Those are the same odds of Tony Romo throwing a pass to his own teammate in the fourth quarter.

   “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government - lest it come to dominate our lives and interests.” - Patrick Henry

   Sorry I mispronounced your baby's name you made up.

   Sometimes I walk up to a plant and exhale carbon dioxide all over it. Did I save its life? Maybe. Am I a hero? That's for history to decide.

   DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven't gone off in years

   Notice seen outside a Church: Please do not leave your Purse/Watch/Handbag/Mobile/Girlfriend/Boyfriend unattended. Others may think it`s an answer to their prayers.

   When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return.

   I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses

   I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.

   Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house

   "Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

   Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.

   TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.