Funny Status Messages

   Wife: Wanna have sex? Me: Sure, a quickie or do you want the full 2 minutes?

   Shout out to the knife for always having my back.

   I'm the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.

   Love yourself, just don’t do it in public. There are laws against that type of behavior.

   It should be a rule that if you're going to put you kid on a leash, you can't be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

   Just told my dog "Don't walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don't.

   The only time I've ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.

   You had me at "there's no security cameras."

   Tequila probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot.

   some people should put professional victim on their resumé

   If there is anything I learned from 80's movies it's that I'm the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down

   Wow......this is turning out to be the best year Mark Sanchez has ever had in the NFL

   If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.

   If you're not part of the solution, you may be part of the team I work for...

   Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.

   I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.

   Being in hot water isn't so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.

   So this whole working for a living sh*t goes on for how long?

   One thing parenting has taught me- telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows

   .... I've decided some changes need to be made to the US Constitution .... Like ... Dusting it off and putting it to use like it was intended to be.