Funny Status Messages

   You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.

   Meaningless statistics are up 17% today

   People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.

   Bravo to the Capitol police. Atleast someone in Washington is doing their job!!

   We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done.

   My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.

   My life is like a romantic comedy expect there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes

   Dear guys named Jeff spelled like Geoff, what do you want from us?

   I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.

   Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.

   Sorry I invited the firefighters to your wedding, but I know a disaster when I see one.

   Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes

   A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger.

   This liquor store needs a dollar menu.

   I think for next season's "Survivor" they should take 16 congressmen and make them get jobs in the private sector.

   I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I'm always ready for bed.

   [wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong

   Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.

   Thanks for being the kind of friend who will laugh during the eulogy at my funeral because you knew the real story.

   Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?