Funny Status Messages

   My life can be summed up in an overwhelming urge to wash my hands.

   Does this comic book collection make me look single?

   I have life moments when all I can do is stop and say "Seriously?"

   I wish getting old meant growing a majestic pair of antlers.

   I am not grumpy. I'm just not a fan of other people today.

   69 will never be a normal number.

   I'm doing my bit to help kick-start the economy... I've started printing money too.

   You'd think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.

   This lady behind me at the store just "beep-beep'd" for me to move out of her way, and this is how murderers are born.

   I tried holding the door open for a woman at the coffee shop this morning but she just kept yelling "close the door, I'm trying to pee in here!!". Some people are so ungrateful

   The best feeling in the world is realizing that you're perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed.

   Sherman...eat a snickers

   It was Judy Garland who went Over the Rainbow you a$$hat!

   You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?

   The only astronaut I can remember from the last 20 years was the one who drove cross country in a diaper because she was mad

   50 Shades Of Grey Has This Awesome Fantasy About Some Girl Who Gets A Job Right Out Of College.

   Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.

   "Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"

   Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.