Funny Status Messages

   [Heaven] God: I see Joan Rivers is finally here. Jesus: I know. She's already making fun of us for wearing white after labor day.

   I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.

   I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.

   You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it.

   There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.

   If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.

   Fun thing to do #26: Stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.

   People are really judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

   Twenty percent of all relationships fail because someone buys a selfie stick.

   Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”

   If you're gonna take a selfie at a funeral, at least get the casket in the background!

   All I need right now is a hug, and five hundred thousand dollars in cash

   All I'm saying is some of us would get in the van without the candy.

   The mega winner says she picked the numbers by her kids birthdays… Please tell me what month has 39 days

   Justin Bieber was drunken driving in Florida? Where is George Zimmerman when you need him!

   You're unemployed and not looking for work; put down the energy drink.

   The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.

   Normal is overrated. I will see your crazy and raise you demented.

   Nothing honors our Vetrans more than buying a mattress on sale.

   This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.