Funny Status Messages

   I called my local pizza joint last night. I asked for a thin crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

   That Awkward Moment When: An Emo Goes To Mcdonalds And Orders A Happy Meal

   No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.

   There's nothing wrong with being short. You may be the last to know when it rains but you're the first to know when there is a flood.

   Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.

   Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks. And now we wait....

   Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.

   Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.

   I think that if I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, for the irony.

   my anger management class pisses me off..

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus."

   Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.

   Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.

   wonders why the Trojan condom is named after the Trojan horse? Isn't that the horse that penetrated the roman walls then broke open spilling hundreds of men into the city?

   I would like to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.

   Let's all watch a bunch of millionaires give each other gold trophies

   thank goodness tim joined us. Haven't seen these jokes in days...

   Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"

   My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.

   When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.