Funny Status Messages

   It's a good thing I'm not a cellar-master for a winery, because I'd be terrible at my job. "This wine is going to taste so good in like 6 years...or, we could pop this b*tch open right now..."

   Life is funny. Well, yours is. To me.

   Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius!

   The information age, does anyone else find it just a little bit ironic that it has produced so many uninformed people.

   I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights

   My salt shaker has been clogged for two years, so don't come to me with your issues.

   The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

   Barry Manilow gets married to partner and comes out of the closet..... World rolls eyes and says, "Oh Gee Barry, we had no clue."

   Ahh Brunch, the Sunday activity that makes drinking before noon socially acceptable.

   Teen at Starbucks asked if I could take her selfie. I said that would just be a photo.... She's still blinking at me.

   "LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.

   Halloween is just over a week away now. When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”

   Coaster? You're assuming I plan to put my drink down...

   I'll judge your whiteness based on your reaction when Jump Around comes on.

   i wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There's ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....

   I dont know who is more pathetic, the idiot who opens and runs a celebrity parody twitter account or the idiots who follows and re-tweets thinking its the real celebrity.

   if a drug commercial spends 15 seconds on the drug and 45 seconds on the side effects, I'd avoid that one...

   Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.

   I'm hiding all my porn on VHS. Even if my kids find it, they won't know what to do with it.

   Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.