sean Funny Status Messages

   What if they keep the name Redskins, but change the mascot to a potato....

   Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.Do I have to think of everything?!

   Divorce---When being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you.

   McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.

   I hate when people see me at the super market & the're like "Hey what you doing here?" & I'm just like "Oh you know hunting zebras"

   I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure.

   When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.

   A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"

   The hardest part of gift buying is convincing yourself you don't deserve the gift more than the person you're buying it for.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

   When I said make yourself at home I meant go wash my dishes.

   I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"

   7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

   Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head. You look like a Pez dispenser.

   If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. #fail

   How in the world did Bill & Hillary Clinton avoid the celebrity nickname HillBilly? WE DROPPED THE BALL AMERICA.

   I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.