Mick Funny Status Messages

   Pineapple on pizza is as appealing as pepperoni on pineapple upside-down cake.

   Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   Yeah, yeah the Greeks "invented" sex. But we Italians introduced it to women.

   Poor Hillary can't get a break. She was at a Chinese restaurant, and when she cracked open the fortune cookie, a ballot with Trump's name was in it.

   A guy just busted down my door and claimed to be a Bounty Hunter. I said, "You won't take me alive!" He looked at me as if I had two heads, then stole my paper towels.

   The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

   My uncle is the town drunk. Unfortunately, the town is Chicago.

   Daylight Saving(s) Time.Sheesh. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it eight months.

   Fyre Festival Attendee: "I'll have a cheese sandwich." Fyre Festival Host: "Here you go, that'll be $1200.00." FF Attendee: "Hey, still cheaper than a sandwich at the airport."

   When we're chatting on fb, and I start saying things like, "well, okay", "gotta run", "have a great day", it was great talking to you"...what that means is: SHUT THE F**K UP ALREADY!

   I paid $12.50 for movie tickets. Forget that the people are noisy, the popcorn and drinks are overpriced, and the movie itself stinks....I wanna know why there was no cartoon.

   Jeeziz. Three hours sleep. Where's Casey Anthony with the chloroform when you need her?

   I'm typing this status from my car. Now don't go flipping out, I’m in the passenger seat. It kinda makes it a little harder to drive, yet it fools the cops, so hey...

   Earth is a beautiful planet. However, it's the disproportionate number of its horrible 7.5 billion inhabitants that were responsible for it receiving only 1 star on Intergalactic Yelp.

   I hate those jerks who claim, "If you don't vote, don't complain". That's like going to a restaurant, and the only two items on the menu are s**t and vomit, yet it's my fault the place failed because I didn't order either one.

   I've been embarrassed by my weight since, I dunno...it was first listed on my birth certificate.

   The people of Puerto Rico have unfortunately discovered just how much power mother nature has. Yet, there will be those arrogant humans who'll continue to think that we're solely responsible for climate change.

   I miss the 80's. The temperatures, not the decade.

   "A Day Without A Woman" result: 90 % of all men reported fewer headaches.

   I need to lose weight. Baskin-Robbins just called my mom and told her because of me they're down to only 5 flavors.