Maureen Funny Status Messages

   When my sons says, "I`ve cleaned my room," that usually means "I`ve made a path from the door to my bed."

   making my list and checking it twice due to early on-set senility!

   just found out that a "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. Apparently, I'm not getting ready in a "jiffy" any more.

   don't put words in my mouth...my foot is already in there.

   difficulty trusting someone with colored contacts...they have already lied to me once.

   There are times I'll make up words and slip them into conversations just to see if anyone is actually protempifying to what I'm saying.

   does my BEST proofreading right after I hit send!

   Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock? I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!

   As a responsible parent, I like to teach my kids that it's not the person you hate...it's their guts!

   discovered pretending I'm sleeping to avoid something never gets old!

   My house looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.

   My son just tried to claim that his room is not messy…that it is merely set up in obstacle-like manner to keep him fit.

   Guys - A few words of wisdom...when a woman asks for your opinion, she doesn't want to hear your "actual" opinion, she simply wants to hear her opinion in a deeper voice.

   stuck at work – and by “stuck” I mean drinking and by “work” I mean sitting in the recliner!

   may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don't have the best childing skills, either.

   gets the feeling that I need coffee more than coffee will ever need me.

   Does anyone know where I can return 10 Lords a Leaping without a gift receipt?

   UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order an ice cream sandwich and a bomb pop.

   can't understand why Victoria's Secret incorrectly refers to these "wine-drinking, recliner pants" I'm wearing as "yoga pants."

   NOTE TO SELF – Do NOT set your password reminder as “You Should Know This!!”