K-Mac Funny Status Messages

   These dating sites keep setting me up with weirdos, then I realized that they match you with people with similar interests.

   We have come so far. Computers, Moon landing, Mars rover, Hubble telescope taking pictures of thing light years away...and yet we still need a sign telling employees to wash their hands.

   Damn, three raptures and I'm still here....I'm starting to think there must be something wrong with me.

   After years of watching CSI, I still have never figured out why, when they walk into a dark house, they do their investigation with flashlights. One would think you could do a more thorough job if you flipped on the light.

   I can rise or shine...take your pick.

   I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?

   If your house is hit by a dolphin, don't go outside to see if the dolphin is alright, that's how the hurricane tricks you to come outside.

   Time to go out and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   I think before we vote, we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what's REALLY on their minds.

   After the Rapture, can I have your car?

   My elderly neighbor wanted to know what my email number was.

   Late fees make no sense. Charge me more money for not having enough money to pay you in the first place. Same with overdraft fees. I'm $2.00 short in my account (which means there is no money in there)......so take out $35.00 more.

   I drove by a yard sale today. I know this because they had a child standing out front holding a sign that read "Yard Sale". Apparently they couldn't afford a stick.

   Sometimes I wish animals could talk....then I remember all the things my cats have seen me do when I'm alone and I'm very grateful they can't.

   That terrifying moment when your cat walks into the room, stares at something you can't see and runs away in a panic.

   My neighbor asked me to look something up on my "internet machine".

   Actually saw two young people talking today. Parents must have grounded them from their phones.

   She's not the sharpest marble in the crayon shed.

   We've been duped. After all the books I've read, I can't believe it took me this long to realize they are all written with just 26 letters rearranged in different order. What a rip-off.

   I guess North Korea's illustrious leader is too stupid to realize if he launches an attack, North Korea will be wiped from the map.