Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

   FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.

   If I ever put stuff in storage I'm going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.

   I challenge you to name a more frightening experience than seeing a police car make a u-turn behind you

   All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now

   I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.

   If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.

   The fire department will hang up on you if you are reporting a disco inferno.

   Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with annoying parents.

   The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.

   Never trust a homeless guy selling homemade lemonade, just saying.

   Well, I guess these tequila shots aren't going to regret themselves

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right

   If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.

   If I had a time machine I'd show Albert Einstein the Internet and ruin everything.

   Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays

   I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

   So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its "back", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?