flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Attention to all the homeless, it is a very bad time to ask me if I have any "spare change" when I'm pumping 4 dollar a gallon gas into my car.

   My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it's there to stab potential taco thieves.

   If you say “Kanye” in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.

   Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.

   Remember before facebook when thoughts stayed in people’s heads?

   I wear my heart on my sleeve and my lunch on the entire front part.

   The Camouflage Snuggie: the ideal gift for the military afficionado in your life who aspires to blend in with a couch.

   People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald’s scare me.

   Every time I see a girl I went to college with, I ask her if we had sex and we laugh and laugh and laugh and then I welcome her to Walmart.

   How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

   When people ask me if I play "Draw Something," I take a piece of paper, "draw" the word "NO," and then hand it to them.

   nothing makes you feel old like that girl your co-workers are ogling at was born when you graduated HS, and her mom babysat you as a kid!

   If I drove a UPS truck there's a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners

   I wonder how many calories a women burns trying to avoid sex?

   I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming "we're all gonna die!"

   My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to have to get out of the car."

   Please hold, your call is important to us. Not “hire more operators” important.. But like “if you need to hang up, that’s cool” important

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a kid. Then, silence is just suspicious.

   New Year's resolution: say "not on my watch" more (& often)

   If you ever find yourself driving through a neighborhood and you smell bologna cooking on the grill, keep driving.