Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   A woman's heart is as tender, vulnerable and fragile as a man's balls. Don't break hers and she won't break yours.

   "When I'm done sh*tting on your car I'm going to watch your wife undress through the window" - Birds

   If she is married or has a boyfriend make sure she swallows the evidence.

   When someone texts you 'k', just reply, "L M N O P Q R S T you V W X why Z"

   Kristen Stew@rt is apologizing for "everything she has done", which I'm assuming includes the Twilight series.

   Might love you quicker if you bring me more Liquor.

   I refuse to engage in any sort of drama on Facebook. I'm here to escape that in real life.

   Marijuana is the gateway drug to a very large value meal.

   Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don't even do anything about it.

   I once dated a girl who didn't need me to open jars for her. It was pretty convenient but the handjobs were crippling.

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.

   I don't drink water, unless it's been through a brewery first.

   Well done, you are popular on Social Media. Sorry about the rest of your life.

   Can God start making Vegetarians green in color so they don’t have to keep telling everyone they eat plants.

   Some people don't like pizza or bacon, those people are called terrorists.

   Most problems can be solved with Nudity

   Think before you speak, and do not speak all that you think.

   Don't stare at me during sex! I don't know you!

   I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line.

   I like to punish people who ask me how I'm doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.