MWC Funny Status Messages

   When I was born God gave me two choices, I could either be good in bed or have a great memory..Sh !t I forgot what I was going to tell you.

   If I start babbling its the Nyquil....if I start a bonfire at 3am it's the vodka

   Useing the bathroom in Taco Bell, an the guy in the stall next to me has some bad diarrhea, stank'in up the place...I almost couldn't eat my last super burrito!

   Free to good home: One useless black & white neutered female 9 year old cat. So useless has let 2 mice in this year alone. Doesn't even have to be a good home. Mediocre will do!!

   I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.

   I may have Alzheimer’s, but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s

   Sure, my glass is half full. But my beer is half empty

   I've never known you to sweat the petty stuff. Although I have known you to pet sweaty stuff.

   Why can't a pony sing? ............Because it's a little horse.

   Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again".

   I love my new phone. I can now undate my status while crossing the stre

   They say laughing 100 times is equivalent to working out for ten minutes, I'm scared if I get going I'll laugh myself into anorexia

   Does anyone know what these big patches of greenish shaggy stuff all over the ground is??? CREEPY!

   What does a 90 year old virgin's pussa taste like,,,,,Depends

   Judging people by their race and sex is wrong, I wish you privileged white males would get that!

   Colts..."Who's got big ball's, We got big ball's, we got the biggest balls of them all!!!!

   If you think your job stinks, think about the kid that cleans the bathroom at Taco Bell

   hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, FREAK!...My dog is getting married

   I bought an at home do it yourself a$$hole bleeching kit today...it said it contained enough solution to completely bleech one a$$hole...i thought I did it wrong,i was a little upset but i'm all white now

   Don't have phone sex...or you might get hearing aids